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Few laughs
Olaf & Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic ighter in his hands. "Vere dit yew git dat monster??"
"Vell," replied Olaf, "I got it from my Genie."
"You haff a Genie?," Sven asked.
"Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle pox," says Olaf.
"Could I see him?", asked Sven.
Olaf opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes, I will," says the Genie
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks .................flying overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf. "Yumpin' Yimminy! I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
Ethel in the Nursing Home
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Kenneth stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!", he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
"OK", he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Wilbur popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.
Wilbur nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am.".
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Clarence stepped out in front of her, butt-naked, and holding his "You-Know-What" in his hand.
Oh,good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that damn Breathalyzer Test again!!!!"
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank straight to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said "Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness.
The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him! I am sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replies, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry! How soon can I go home?"
Oldies, but still goodies ;)
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic ighter in his hands. "Vere dit yew git dat monster??"
"Vell," replied Olaf, "I got it from my Genie."
"You haff a Genie?," Sven asked.
"Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle pox," says Olaf.
"Could I see him?", asked Sven.
Olaf opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes, I will," says the Genie
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks .................flying overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf. "Yumpin' Yimminy! I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
Ethel in the Nursing Home
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Kenneth stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!", he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
"OK", he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Wilbur popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.
Wilbur nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am.".
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Clarence stepped out in front of her, butt-naked, and holding his "You-Know-What" in his hand.
Oh,good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that damn Breathalyzer Test again!!!!"
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank straight to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said "Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness.
The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him! I am sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replies, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry! How soon can I go home?"
Oldies, but still goodies ;)
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I have plenty of talent and vision - I just don't give a damn
I have plenty of talent and vision - I just don't give a damn
Last edited by Anorak; 11-09-2006 at 06:32 PM.. Reason: Automerged Doublepost
, ya its a good one 
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